Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
