I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
