What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
