I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
