I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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