There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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