Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He has the fingertips of a God
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