whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
