my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
