guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
