I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
