That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
