Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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