That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
