There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
