Jerry, you need to find god
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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