Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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