What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
