I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
