Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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