im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
