If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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