I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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