dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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