he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
