I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
