he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hippo gnu deer
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
