I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
