i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
