One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
