It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
