Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me