9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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