just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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