I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
