Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
