The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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