ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
