You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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