just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
