I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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