yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
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Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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