we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
