um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
