I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
