what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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