She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
