Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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