The maid of honor just puked.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
