I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
