her vagine was all disorganized.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
