Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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