You're completely useless in the revolution.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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